GIRL 5
FROG GIRL
She found me. She winked at me, then followed up with an instant message. It was the first instant message I've ever received in my life.
She said her name was Diane. I thought it was my high school girlfriend by the same name. So I'm typing in about old times. We were chatting for twenty minutes before we realized what was going on. I'd typed in, "how's Chip?" She typed, "who?" I typed, "you know, Chip? Your husband???" She typed in, "do you know who I am?"
How embarrassing! We had to start over. She had to direct me to her personals site. I hadn't responded to her, because her photos were indistinct. There was one of her in a bathing suit, but frankly, she looked a little too tough for me. She wanted my phone number, and she insisted on calling me, and when she did, that smoker's voice came through.
For some strange reason I let her boss me into having a date with her. This was the moment a sort of clairvoyance came into me. For no apparent reason, I told her that I knew that she did orgies.
What? She asked. Orgies, I said. I know you do multiple guys. She paused, then typed, "you're crazy." And yet she kept in contact. The night before our date, I dreamt that I was at a party at her house, and she was the only woman, and that after appetizers she took on the whole room, nothing but her naked flesh and hard cocks all over the place.
She walked into the restaurant wearing a floral dress. She looked like a truck driver with an unusually wide grin. Her body was shaped strangely for a woman. She had broad shoulders and narrow hips. She reminded me of a walking frog, I thought. Frog Girl. It was her birthday. She delighted in having cake and a candle and having the entire restaurant sing to her. I glanced nervously at my watch, excused myself and went to the men's room, where I called Girl 6.
Girl 6 and I had been talking and emailing for over a week, and already I felt like I was in love with her. She'd begged me not to go out with Frog Girl, but I told her I felt like it would be rude to say no. Girl 6 came on, and I said, "you won't believe it." I told her everything. "Get out now!" she laughed. I told her I'd be a gentleman, and I returned to the table.
After dinner, she insisted I take her to her place, and she invited me in. No, I said, that wouldn't be right. She almost dislocated my shoulder pulling me in, and it seemed like half a second later she was naked on her bed, her mouth wrapped around my traitorous penis, Tyrannosaurus Rex, and to my surprise, he was up for it.
"What the hell is going on with you?" I asked Rex.
He shrugged. "What can I say, she knows what she's doing."
"But she's hideous!"
"So what, she's thin and athletic. You have your type, I have mine, now shut up, I have work to do."
"Asshole," I muttered.
"Asshole's next door," he said, distracted. One of his favorite jokes, it seemed.
At some point during the workout, I had Tyrannosaurus Rex in one hole and a few of my fingers in the other, and Frog Girl moans and says, "oh God, yes! It feels like I'm getting double fucked!"
Double fucked?
Afterwards, she literally lit up a cigarette. She looked at me with a glowing expression.
"I have a confession to make," she said.
"Oh?"
"Yeah. You were right about the orgies. A few years ago I was an aerobics instructor at the Hedonism Resort, the place where singles go for outrageous sex? Well, my nightly entertainment was doing three guys at once, one in each hole. And never the same guy twice." She smiled, pleased with herself.
"So I was right," I said.
She pouted. "You were right. How did you know?"
That question would keep me up for a dozen nights.
"And," I pressed, "you lied to me."
She smiled. "Of course I did. How was I supposed to tell you that?" She seemed as innocent as a child. Somehow I realized I had no idea about the architecture of the female brain.
"So, after all that sex, did you get tested?"
She was serious again. "Yeah, I haven't been wild like that in ten years. I haven't been with a guy in a long time. All my tests are perfect. I'm healthy as a horse."
I nodded, stood and pulled on my pants. "I gotta go," I said.
Tears came to her eyes. "Same thing every other man has ever said to me."
It was warm outside, but I still shivered as I walked to the car.
EPILOGUE
I tell people the story of why I hate "eHarmony" and prefer Match dot com: a year after this woman faded into my journal, I was still searching for The Girl, and decided to try eHarmony. After all, what had I to lose?
After taking their thousands of tests, they matched me up with one woman -- FROG GIRL! Oh, is that what eHarmony thinks of me? What an insult! Or, should I take this as an example of how lame eHarmony is at matchmaking?
Either way, it didn't much matter. I tried every dating site there was, Yahoo Personals, Lavalife, Adult Friend Finders, even hired a three thousand dollar introduction service (which was only good for one date, with a woman who was missing teeth). The only one that ever worked for me was Match. And no, they're not paying me, more like suing me since the original name of this journal was "A Hundred Girls from Match." But you get the point.
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COMMENTS:
This entry has 1 comments:
Let's hear about more women !! Am sure you must have another 5-10 from this month alone !! Who are the most recent??? Any new ones from this past week??? Would love to hear about any or all of them. PLEASE ??? MORE MORE MORE !!!
Comment from njartwork57
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