Monday, January 21, 2008




"I'm not in love with you anymore. I'm not attracted to you anymore. I never want to touch you again. I never want to fuck you again."


My wife’s inverse wedding vow broke a ten year spell.  After I moved out and cleared my head, I realized that perhaps the best way to fix love gone wrong was with love gone right.


But would the solution to my problems really come in the arms of a woman? Oddly enough, instinct told me the answer was a resounding yes.


Follow with me the road to recovery, which passed through a hundred women.

- An anonymous bestselling author



In order of appearance:


Girl 1: Bank Girl


What a failure, but then, dating takes practice.



Girl 2:  Finding Eagles Girl


One that was ready to fuck in the first ten minutes of the date.  Disaster ensued.


Girl 3:  Leggy Private Eye Girl


You’d think a leggy, blonde, sexy female private eye would be fascinating, wouldn’t you?  Watch me fall asleep in my soup, until the famous good-night kiss.


Girl 4:  Fashionable Doctor Girl


To this day I’m not even sure she was anything she said she was.



Girl 5:  Frog Girl


Beware women who seek you out and chase you down for sex.  The first appearance of the post-divorce horny-guy-mind-reading trick.



Girl 6:  Alayna


Every guy has his rebound girl, a female so compelling and a relationship so intense that its ending tempts suicide.



Girl 7:  Deep Throat Girl


You’d think a woman who invites you to skip the date and just come over to her house, drop your pants and get serviced would be a wonderful addition to your dating life.



Girl 8:  Packaging Girl


The relationship got hot and heavy on the phone, then ended at “hello.”



Girl 9:  Librarian Girl


What was I thinking?



Girl 10:  Delaware Nurse Girl



Girl wanted to party on the first date.  Everything showed up except my penis.  We had a penis-owner talk that became disturbing.




Girl 11:  Biker Girl


Not bad, if you’re someone other than me.



Girl 12: Tall Girl


The second coming of my mind-reading trick.  It got her naked, but wild sex wasn’t to be had.



Girl 13:  Acquisition Girl


She was the first older woman I dated.  I went out with her as a favor, ended up wanting her more than I’d ever suspected, only to get dumped.



Girl 14:  Piano Girl


What the hell is wrong with me?  She was perfect!



Girl 15:  Psycho Girl


This one could scare any man away from dating.



Girl 16:  Computer French Girl


Looked like a hooker.  A tranny hooker.  I tried to see what was really in that thong.



Girl 17:  Combat Stewardess Girl


What do you say when your stewardess date wants to slap you around a little bit?



Girl 18:  Sex Goddess Banker Girl


Readers were shocked.  What did she do to deserve that treatment?



Girl 19:  Blonde Enema Nurse Girl


So you think you’ll try anything once?




Girl 20:  Jackrabbit Girl


Almost perfect.  Almost.



Girl 21:  Bestiality Girl


Ever get a gift the moment the girl arrives at the table?  And then find out it’s the panties she was wearing on her ride over?  Sounds cool but if you’d heard the things that came out of this woman’s mouth, you might never have shown up.


Girl 22:  Soulless Sales Girl


Gorgeous and empty.  Odd for a literary chick.  Yet she soaked me for a $350 dinner date.  So who is the dumb one?


Girl 23:  Zoo Girl



Cute, but somehow she forgot to tell me something.



Girl 24:  Aries Info-Tech Girl


Women will fool you.  Men are always primed for females to lie about how gorgeous they are, then watch as a hippo shows up.  But sometimes you expect a cow and Miss America strolls in.  Watch me fuck this one up.



Girl 25:  The Famous Penis Picture Girl


What does it mean when a man sends a woman he’s about to date pictures of his Johnson?  I naturally assumed women would hate that.  Turns out I was very wrong.  Read about the girl who grooved on penis pictures and how it affected the rest of my dating life.


Girl 26:  Cape May Girl


She looked like a famous Kennedy (one of the cute ones) but had never experienced an orgasm in her life.  On the bright side, she wanted to try anal.  And had a killer beach house.



Girl 27:  Accounting Girl


She could have gone the distance, but she wore a happy mask and had a deep dark secret.



Girl 28:  Bait & Switch Girl


I swear it wasn't her weight, it was her lesbian haircut. And maybe her hostility.  Watch me tell her off in front of the cute barmaid.


Girl 29:  Separated Mom Girl


She convinced me she was moving on, but she and her husband were just permanently separated while she played.




Girl 30:  Black Boutique Girl


She was beautiful and black but married and cheating.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.



Girl 31:  Fragrance Girl


She hit on me and I took her up on it.  A ten minute drink, then back to my place for sex.  You’d think a guy would love that, right?



Girl 32: Virgo Trophy Girl


Ever wonder what it would be like to be with a CEO’s mistress?  You’re not missing much.



Girl 33:  Obese Desperate Girl


We’ve all done this or gotten close.  Who was the desperate one?





Awesome hot blonde, but wait till you hear what she did to her ex.  I had no choice but to punish her.



Girl 35:  Dykey Annoying Girl


Yet another reason to avoid women without personal ad photos.



Girl 36:  Squirt Gun Girl


More than just an obese woman cheating on her man, a man who came looking for her at three in the morning.


Girl 37:  Karate Girl


Beautiful, soulful, interesting and intense.  She would be the perfect candidate, but for the knee test.



Girl 38:  Doe Eyed Teacher Girl


Never judge by a woman’s voice or phone personality.  This one was a keeper.  But then I got nervous and sent her penis pictures.



Girl 39:  Horsey Girl


What is it with girls and horses?




Girl 40:  Benzene Girl


PhD who screams in bed, anyone?  Extra points if her ex is driving her to homicide.



Girl 41:  Blonde Bombshell Girl


You could have painted her on the flank of a WWII bomber -- blonde, gorgeous, graceful and indecisive.  Kissing me one minute, dumping me the next, then asking for more.



Girl 42: Shop Girl


Maneater, anyone?



Girl 43:  Slutty Church Deacon Girl


Holy on Sunday, evil on Monday.  Wet dream or nightmare?



Girl 44:  Surgery Girl


What happens when the photo is only her face.



Girl 45:  Leo Construction Girl


She was obviously sexual, using her ex as a sex toy.  Yet another argument against “come-over-and-fuck-me” first dates.

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Girl 46:  Career Change Girl


She came across the table at me, but she hadn’t counted on how I handled a steak knife.



Girl 47:  Hippo Girl


What do you do when you thought you were talking to Miss America but instead a 300-pounder shows up and says, “great! We both look just like our pictures!”



Girl 48:  Literary Agent Girl


She kept one man for romance and a second one for sex.  Which position was I interviewing for?



Girl 49:  Vaseline Girl


Some women are just ready for you.  They switch on like a light for you and only you.  Some would call that fate.  Others might label it spooky.




Girl 50:  Naples Bistro Girl



She pulled off her blouse in the car and two perfect breasts plopped out.  And here I was supposed to get to bed early.



Girl 51:  The Amazing Corvette Girl


My adorable time-share girlfriend.  I had her on even days.  The other guy had her on odd days.  We began to compete to see who could fuck her better.


Part 1:  The first dozen fucks:


Part 2:  Timeshare girlfriend:



Girl 52: Sex Toy Girl


What do you say to a woman so sensual that she owns her own sex toy business?  In this case, “get your clothes and get out.”



Girl 53:  Entertainment Lawyer Girl


The more I hung up on her, the more of me she wanted.



Girl 54:  Kendall Jackson Girl


The haunted one. Creepy.



Girl 55:  Gap Toothed Limey Girl


She hadn’t had sex in a decade, which had done more damage than if she’d porked a football team every night.



Girl 56:  Kid Voice Girl


Yet another mistake.



Girl 57:  Secret Garden Girl


Watch a female transform from a troll to a beauty queen.  How’d I do it?



Girl 58:  No One Home Girl


Gorgeous.  Dumb.  Some would say that’s the ideal female.



Girl 59:  Dead Rat Girl


Imagine if the woman who showed up at the bar were possessed by the Devil.