GIRL 77
MUTANT NINJA TURTLE GIRL
I figured her for a complete waste of time. She'd written me, then withdrawn, then written again, then faded, and finally wanted to call me. I said fine. Two weeks later, no phone call.
What is it with chicks and phone calls? In dating, never leave the calling duties to women. For all their thousands of words a day, they can't pick up a phone to call a guy unless all the stars and planets line up. Kind of like waiting for a woman to initiate sex, you can grow old waiting for them to do something you want.
So I wrote her an email with the above paragraph in it. For whatever reason, she responded best to bitter sarcasm. Go figure.
I arranged the date out of boredom. Her pictures were completely uninspiring. She looked old and worn down in the photos. So why, I thought in the shower, was I going on this date? The woman was three years older than me, couldn't commit to a phone call much less a relationship, and was nothing to look at. Hell, I might even have to clap one hand on my Rolex to keep her looks from stopping it.
I sighed as I straightened out my bedroom and pocketed my keys. I showed up in the brick alley at the entrance to Princeton's Alchemist & Barrister, the famous A&B. And up walked this blonde bombshell. She was tall, two inches shorter than my 6'1" frame, and suddenly I remembered an 8-hour long psychology test I'd taken for an intense job interview, and one of the personality questions was, "True or false: I like tall women." At the time I had thought it a test of confidence, and I'd truthfully checked "TRUE." It didn't occur to me until later that this might be an indicator of being less macho that I should have been. After all, if you like tall women, do you like musclebound women, and if so, are you simply a closet homosexual?
But I liked looking right into her eyes. She was slender and had excellent muscle definition. She was a professional athlete, a trainer of ninjas, and her body was simply to die for. She made me realize that women can be extremely sexy long into their middle age and beyond.
So I decided to go for it. Not so much to get her in bed, though I wanted that too, but I wanted to get close to her. To interview her for the role of girlfriend.
A lot is said in dating circles about "being ready" for a relationship. I thought this was hogwash until I got into the 70s of the Hundred Girls. By this point I was a ready-made relationship. The next reasonable girl to walk into the bar would be the girlfriend. Perhaps that's more a statement of desperation. By the 90s it would be finely honed - not desperation, but not casual dating either. But at this point, I have to say, I was so dying for a girlfriend that I would have signed up any woman who was pretty, fucked like a porn star, and had no felony record.
In the course of the evening, I talked to Ninja Girl about her past loves, and was disappointed to see that she was not only still in love with her ex-husband, but with a man she'd cheated on her husband with. I heaped denial on those fatal flaws, I so wanted the woman. But truth be told, when a woman has unresolved feelings for a man, she can't move on. She remains perpetually stuck, a fossil, comparing every man to her lost love, and of course, no man can measure up.
I should have withdrawn, but I couldn't admit it to myself. I'll skip the description of my maneuvers and how I got her clothes off, because the point of this story is what happened after the woman's labia and clit were quivering in my mouth as I had two fingers in her pussy and two in her asshole, and she came explosively with a scream that brought joy to my heart.
I lay back for reciprocation and her warm wet mouth closed over my raging hardon, and I smiled with pleasure. Finally I threw her on her back, her legs spread wide, and rubbed the head of my cock on her sopping wet pussy lips, and tried to process the sounds of her voice saying -
"No, you've got to stop."
I froze. Had she just said I had to stop? It was as if the background music's record scratched.
What did you say? I asked.
"I need you to stop," she said. "I can't do this."
I stood up and pulled on my pants.
Get your clothes and get out, I said. Now it was her turn to say, "what did you say?"
You heard me. Get out. Now.
She rustled around the room for a moment. I heard her footsteps lightly treading on the stairs until she reached the door. She didn't slam it, but shut it carefully.
The next day I called her, the visions and smells of her naked, ready body whirling around my head, my sex drive overcoming my resentment.
Hi, it's me, I said.
"Hi." Her voice was neutral.
I just wanted to ask you a question. Why did you stop? What was in your mind?
There was no anger in her voice. "I kept thinking about Greg, and suddenly I just wanted to cry."
You're still in love with him, I said.
The night before, I'd said that to her and she had denied it, going on and on about how she'd moved on.
"I guess you were right," she said. Her voice softened. "Thanks for showing me that. I suppose I had to be at penis-point to get it through my head."
I laughed.
It's okay, I said. Just, maybe, in the future, don't entertain thoughts of a relationship until you resolve this thing with Marine Corps Boy. Go ahead and be a player, get your companionship needs and sexual needs met, but avoid guys like me. I'm so ripe and ready for a relationship that when women don't come right out and say they're not ready, it rips me open.
"Oh, God, Michael, I'm so sorry. I hope I didn't hurt you too much."
No problem, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Girl, I said. I'll live. And I'm sorry I tossed you out. I did it because I wanted you for more than a fuck. I hope you realize that was why I was upset.
"I know," she whispered. "You're going to make some lucky girl one hell of a boyfriend."
Thanks, Ninja Turtle Girl. Be well, gorgeous. Good luck getting over Marine Corps Boy.
She hung up and for a long time I stared at the wall.
This one had hurt, but there was goddamned good news in the pain.
Because it was the first time I'd wanted someone, and hurt over losing someone, since Girl 6, my beloved Alayna.
Maybe I was finally pulling out of this dive.
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