GIRL 55
GAP TOOTHED LIMEY GIRL
Almost February and though I was still in the midst of dating Girl 51, Corvette Girl, I kept thinking about Valentines Day. I know. No smooth player would ever think thoughts like that, but I kept them to myself.
When the gap-toothed British girl wrote me, I was skeptical. She was totally into me, and wrote me erotic poetry, but I didn't really feel her. But I kept my mind open.
So at 8 pm I entered the bar of Princeton's Alchemist & Barrister. I noticed a woman in long leather coat, boots, tights -- all in black -- and a green scarf. Gap Toothed Limey Girl, my date. I had previously joked with her on the phone that I don't give good-bye kisses, that I would throw my tongue down her throat when I first saw her. I hadn't been serious, I just wanted to see her reaction.
When she turned to see me, her eyes lit up and her lips parted, in that "kiss the fuck out of me, mister" way women have. How embarrassing -- there I was, all cigar breath, from walking around Princeton before the date. What the hell, I thought. It would be a good test of her. I grabbed her and put my tongue in her mouth, and she laughed and tried to talk around it. That funny "dick in her mouth" language. "You weren't kidding, were you?" she laughed. Nope, I said, smiling. She had that "oh God, you're gorgeous" look on her face. She was better looking than her pictures. Dinner was a B-, maybe C+ as far as the food goes.
Conversation was better. Get this. She found her 17 year old son fucking his girlfriend and she freaked out about it. I poured her some spring water and put it in perspective. "I'd rather have the kids fucking than doing drugs or drinking. Drunk, they'll wrap themselves around a tree and you're at the funeral home. Horny, they'll be safe in the basement sucking on each other or fucking or recovering from fucking. What's the worst that can happen? An STD or unintended pregnancy? Big deal." Oh, she says, what about AIDS? Overblown threat, I replied. Good for scaring them. We all know someone who has lost a teenager to drunken driving. Whom do you know who's lost a heterosexual one to AIDS? My attitude comes from my surgeon buddy. It's why I quit using latex after the vasectomy. That shocks women, some women, but the women I fuck are so careful and so shocked that I don't use condoms that -- face it -- how big a risk could they be? If they need a condom-shrouded cock, just let them use a jelly dildo, they don't need me. As for me, masturbation feels better by far than a latexy vagina.
We went on to talk about my fiction. I told her about the movie deal I walked out on. She asked about the romance book proposal. Some of it got so emotional I was leaking tears. Great, I thought. Crying on a first date. Happened four times. Doubt she'll imagine me the bad boy I was trying to project. Gap Toothed Limey Girl didn't have much dating experience, but was a scrapper in her career. Not very wild sexually though. My kind of horizontal weekend would be a new sensation, it would probably wear her out, and she seemed the kind of girl who is good in bed when the relationship is good and who cuts off the man the instant she's annoyed about something, and women are always annoyed. When she kissed she seemed 17 again. When she was sad, her age came crashing back onto her.
I talked at length about my doubts about ever being exclusive with anyone again. I believe in lust and friendship, I said, I want to fuck women who are friends whom I trust and lust for. I think romantic love is the ghost-in-the-machine, it is supernatural and is greater than the sum of its lust and friendship parts. But I also think the universe may no longer trust me with romantic love, as the last time I had it, with Girl 6, I went to pieces. The end of the relationship was my fault. I fucked up with a woman who loved me and lusted for me more than any other girl in my life, a woman I loved more than my next breath. If that can happen, why would God give it to me again? I'd just damage another one of His daughters with it. I can live without it, I said, I'm content to experience mere lust and friendship. Never again will I combine finances with someone, or be a roommate to a woman, or stand at the end of the altar with her. All those things kill romance. Hell, even being introduced to her parents and brothers kills romance. Being introduced to sisters is somehow different, but male relatives all ask with their eyes, "are you fucking her? Will you make an honest woman of her?" My answers are "yes and never." They make me feel guilty. The guilt causes pain. The pain kicks me out of my feelings. Then the love dies. She kissed me and said, you're just afraid of getting hurt. I scoffed. I ain't fraid o no ghosts, I said. But inside I thought, fuck. Some bad boy I am. Note to self -- avoid dating women who make me cry on the first date.
There were other dates with her. We tried to fool around. It didn't work. She was on her knees once, giving a blowjob. It was like face-fucking a corpse. I stopped after two minutes. What's wrong? she asked. This is, I said. You suck cock like it's a stick of dynamite that will kill you if sucked wrong.
Part of the trouble had to be my clairvoyance. I could see into her, and there was nothing there for a guy like me. She had to be yet another closet lesbo, I thought. She just didn't like the cock that much.
A later time I threw her on a table and tried to pork her, but I could barely put my cock into her, she was so damned dry, and nothing worked. Are on you antidepressants, I asked. She nodded. No sex drive. No lubrication. I'd need a leaf blower to get the cobwebs and dust out of that vagina. I backed up and tried to put my finger in it. It wouldn't fit.
I pulled my pants back on. I decided to just be her friend. I loaned her self-help books she refused to read. So I would read passages out loud to her, then look over and find her fast asleep on the Snake Ranch's couch.
I shook my head. Maybe something would rub off, but I doubted it. Gap Toothed Limey Girl was somehow too damaged by her past. Men to her were dangerous, to be pacified, not loved as equals.
I didn't overanalyze. I didn't really care that much. But Gap Toothed Limey Girl kicked off a slump the likes of which I'd never seen.
No comments:
Post a Comment