GIRL 75
GENERAL LIABILITY GIRL
I hit on her when I saw her gorgeous profile. God, she was to die for. Up to the point of the date, I practically had an entire affair by instant message. The excerpts below are real. Only names have been changed. In our first IM I must have asked her twenty questions. We had debated about what a player is, and over my famous opinion on how females are just as much players as men are (see the other blog). This IM was our second.
*******************************************************************************
General Liability Girl has selected the "Personals Subscriber" IMVironment.
General Liability Girl: so............
General Liability Girl: you off today?
Me: I'll meet you tonight
Me: if you want
General Liability Girl: tonight could work
General Liability Girl: 732-867-5309. If I don't answer, please leave a message
Me: tell me your favorite cozy intimate candlelit spot (that you can wear jeans and a sport jacket to...)
General Liability Girl: cozy, intimate candlelit spot, huh? I like the way you think
Me: the girl needs to tell the boy what she needs!
Me: [after researching] Craig's Brick, NJ..."the late night place to be...good food and a congenial tavern atmosphere..."
General Liability Girl: you got it
General Liability Girl: i'll most likely still be in work attire
Me: oh? Thigh-high stockings? Push-up bra?
General Liability Girl: skirt, blazer
Me: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Me: down boy
General Liability Girl: uh boy
General Liability Girl: go easy there Mr
General Liability Girl: i can already tell you are NOT a very good boy
General Liability Girl: but, i must say...
General Liability Girl: i am curious about "the kiss'
General Liability Girl: but, let me be clear...
General Liability Girl: i am NOT a bad girl
General Liability Girl: so...you are a heart-breaker?
Me: hmmmm
General Liability Girl: see you later, handsome
**************************************************************
Promising start, right?
I showed up at the bar and there she was. She wasn't tall but she seemed tall because she was slender, just the way I like women. She wore a miniskirt, tall pumps, tight blouse and a blazer, just the way I love a woman to dress. Her hair was long and sleek and jet black, and her face was perfect, with wide, almond shaped dark eyes. Her lips were moist, and made me think immediately of what it would be like to kiss her, and what it would be like to plunge my raging hardon into her wet mouth.
I tried to shake off the sexual feelings I had long enough to be polite and present myself the way I knew I should, because though I may be a slut, I'm still a gentleman. But from the first moment I saw her, I felt an intoxication, almost as if I'd taken a hit of coke or been injected with heroin. For the first hour and a half, the date could have jumped off the pages of a story book. Our souls entwined, our eyes were locked, our hands touched under the table, and sparks flew between us.
And then it happened.
I had told her how I thought she was the most beautiful women I'd dated, and how gorgeous she was.
And she called me a liar.
She looked me in the eyes and told me I was a deceiver and that I was just saying whatever I needed to say to get into her pants.
And suddenly the loudness of the room went silent. A man two tables over dropped his fork from the table, and when I looked over at him, he didn't move, and the fork hung motionless a foot from the floor. Behind me, a waitress was putting a plate of scallops in front of a patron, and the plate was frozen in space, the fake smile of the woman was etched on her face, as permanent and unchanging as a statue.
Time had stopped. The room had frozen. General Liability Girl's sneer was as frozen as the second hand on my watch.
This happened to me on occasion, when I had to make a decision. I knew I stood at a fork in the road. I could either try to prove to her that I was genuine, or I could throw a punch at her.
I thought for a few seconds. I shut my eyes and existed for a long moment in darkness. What did I want? What did I really want of this woman? Was there any chance that what she said was true?
No, I realized. I had been genuine. On my quest for truth, I knew I had been honest with her, yet she had accused me to my face of lying.
Did she do that to be mean? Was there a man in her recent past who had lied and hurt her?
Or was it the shadow of darkness cast by her father? Had some awful thing happened to her that had made her life miserable?
This wretched human being, who a moment before had been so beautiful, suddenly seemed so damaged and beyond rescue.
I made my decision, and when I did, the man's fork resumed its fall and made a slight noise on the hardwood floor. The waitress behind me said "no problem" in response to the couple's thanks for their food. And General Liability Girl dropped her gaze to her plate.
"Excuse me," I said to the waitress, a different woman than the one serving the couple. She didn't hear me, so I said it louder, raising my hand. She had just plopped the entrees on our table and was going for a drink refill. I had taken all of one bite. She came over, thinking there was something wrong with the food.
"Yes?" she asked.
"May I have the check, please, honey?" I said. I'd taken to calling every woman I came into contact with "honey," whether friend or foe, ex-wife or beloved first date companion, waitress or daughter. I considered it m right to do so now that I was over 45.
"Is something wrong, sir?"
"I have an emergency," I lied. "I have to go." I handed her my American Express card. "If you could ring that up now, I'd appreciate it."
"Certainly, sir."
For the next three minutes I stared into my Jack Daniels, wishing it were fuller. When the check came, I gave the waitress a $50 tip, signed with a flourish, put down the pen, tossed down the last of my drink, and without another word stood and turned my back on General Liability Girl. I walked to my car and drove home.
I stared at the ceiling until 3 am.
The next day, I was working on a lawsuit for my main client when an instant message window popped up on my screen. Amazingly, it was General Liability Girl. Was she back for more, or IM'ing to apologize?
**************************************************************
General Liability Girl: it was bullshit that you ran out so fast last night
Me: wow, I can't believe you're writing me.
General Liability Girl: I just wanted to tell you that you were, and are still, obnoxious as hell
Me: true
Me: yet still lovable
General Liability Girl: I'm sure to some
**************************************************************
Obviously, she was instant messaging me to tell me she thought I was a jerk. Suddenly I was tired. Tired of her. Tired of dating. Tired of women. Tired of being in the game. I just wanted some peace. This, I thought, was why women take breaks from dating. They get as fed up with humanity as I was at that moment. I decided to let it all hang out.
**************************************************************
Me: May I say something to you? Without you shouting me down or closing this IM?
General Liability Girl: i won't say a word
Me: your allegation of my supposed insincerity was uncalled for, insulting, and pissed me the hell off
Me: so have a nice life (translation: "fuck off, bitch")
General Liability Girl: don't you get that I just didn't LIKE you???
General Liability Girl: could that be possible???
Me: I asked if that were the case, and you said no. Now's who's dishonest?
General Liability Girl: you are the most arrogant self-absorbed man I have ever met
**************************************************************
I let her have the last word. I closed the session and turned off the computer. I filled a bathtub with hot soapy water and sank into it, then shut my eyes.
I didn't think I'd really do it. The K-Bar commando knife was so sharp it could cut through a ream of 20 pound printer paper. I didn't remember bringing it to the tub. The knife hurt a lot less than I thought as it sliced through my wrists. Bleeding out into the water made me feel like I was floating, and then it just felt cold. I was going to put more hot water in the tub, then saw how red the water had become. I lifted my arm from the tub and it was white as snow. I walked, dripping blood all the way, to the mirrored wall over the fireplace. The Snake Ranch looked like the "VIP Fuck Room" from the movie Animal House when dimly lit, but on a cloudy afternoon it was glaringly bright from all the windows and the white walls. In the mirror, my dripping body was emaciated and pale, and the circles under my sunken eyes were black. My wrists had turned to gore. And then I could see through myself as my reflection faded, until I no longer existed. I tried to scream but no sound would come out.
I woke up from my own screams, still in the tub, sitting up and splashing water onto the floor, the water so cold I shivered.
I toweled off, then put my clothes back on and thought about falling off the horse.
I turned on the computer and began yet another search.
No comments:
Post a Comment