GIRL 58
NO ONE HOME GIRL
She was fabulously beautiful, and she knew it.
She kept her email reply abbreviated, and my phone conversation was all of fifteen words.
But I met her in the best restaurant in New Hope, an artists' village on the other side of the Delaware River.
In the bar, while I feasted my eyes on her miniskirt-clad ass, her long legs, her beautiful eyes and lips that would send a man to orgasm just by brushing them on his cock, she told me the story of how she came to be single.
The trouble was, the woman was about as single as a newlywed. She was married to a Russian ballerina guy who drank to excess, threw the occasional slap at her, and cheated on her like crazy, then would come home and rape the shit out of her.
And she was fascinated in her separated ex, far beyond being in love with him. The only words she said that night had to do with her ballerina. Anything else got monosyllables from her.
There's a linkage between a woman's sense of humor and her intelligence level. I was unable to make this woman laugh. After I found out about the husband, I tried to have fun on the date. Entertain the girl.
But she had no use for me, my stories, or my company. That night I ended up entertaining only myself, the two tables next to ours and the waiter. That waiter was doubled over laughing at my stuff. No One Home girl didn't crack a smile.
Trouble is, when the conversation is one-sided, you don't get to eat your dinner. Every time I took a bite of steak, the table crashed into quiet.
I walked No One Home Girl to her old, dented minivan and walked to my truck.
Amazing, I thought, the connection between beauty and intelligence. It was certain that the old equation I + B = C. The sum of intelligence and beauty is a constant. God gives too much of one, the other suffers. Now, this is on the bell curve. You will find exceptional women who are loaded with both. They tend to be diva singers or movie stars. The world rewards them well. But as in most correlations that are curves fit to the unruly data of real life, there will be exceptions, but despite exceptions, the rule stands. In other words, don't try to disprove my equation by telling me you know a smart chick who is also beautiful, or vice versa, a gorgeous chick who is brilliant. Certainly they exist far beyond six standard deviations from the bell curve's mean. But on average, the curve-fit of I + B = C is rock solid. If she looks amazing on her Match profile, odds are someone else wrote those killer words for her. Beauty opens too many doors. The gorgeous ones have arrested development, as the world comes to them.
No One Home Girl was just another proof data point.
Months later, I got an IM from No One's Possession Girl. This was a chick I'd done video sex with, beyond phone sex. We had a phone line open and mutual web cams going. I was stroking Rex and she was inserting anal dildos and stroking her clit and moaning on the phone, and when I splashed the video monitor with cum, she sighed about how she would love to lick it up.
So there I am, answering an IM from her, out of the blue, when she mentions No One Home Girl.
Here's the IM:
NO ONE'S POSSESSION GIRL [4:30 P.M.]: Michael... its me No One's Possession Girl. Anyway... do you recall dating a woman named Linda from Southampton PA with 4 children, recently separated from a Russian Ballet dancer????
Me [4:30 P.M.]: yes
NO ONE'S POSSESSION GIRL [4:30 P.M.]: is she profiled in your list?
Me [4:30 P.M.]: Girl 58
NO ONE'S POSSESSION GIRL [4:30 P.M.]: ohhhh... so shes coming up soon??
Me [4:31 P.M.]: I just wrote 54 up
Me [4:31 P.M.]: how do you know her?
NO ONE'S POSSESSION GIRL [4:31 P.M.]: I don't ... I have a date tomorrow night with a man who went out with her.
Me [4:31 P.M.]: interesting
Me [4:32 P.M.]: how do you know he dated her
NO ONE'S POSSESSION GIRL [4:32 P.M.]: Earlier, I gave him your site... I thought he would find it interesting reading. So after he reads a bit, he tells me you sound like a girl he dated who told him about you...
Me [4:33 P.M.]: I didn't think she even noticed that she was out on a date with me
NO ONE'S POSSESSION GIRL [4:33 P.M.]: she described you as an egotistical writer from Princeton who talked about sex all night long
NO ONE'S POSSESSION GIRL [4:33 P.M.]: lol
Me [4:33 P.M.]: ah
Me [4:33 P.M.]: correct
NO ONE'S POSSESSION GIRL [4:33 P.M.]: he said you probably found her to be a *PollyPurebred* type of girl
Me [4:33 P.M.]: um
NO ONE'S POSSESSION GIRL [4:34 P.M.]: lol
Me [4:34 P.M.]: I found her to be No One Home Girl
NO ONE'S POSSESSION GIRL [4:34 P.M.]: too funny
Me [4:34 P.M.]: her eyes were glazed over the whole date
NO ONE'S POSSESSION GIRL [4:34 P.M.]: drugs? or just mesmerized by your charm and wit?
Me [4:34 P.M.]: so since she had NOTHING to say, I entertained myself, half the restaurant and the waiter with my stories of dating
Me [4:35 P.M.]: the only thing that chick is mesmerized by is her husband
Me [4:35 P.M.]: she still loves him
NO ONE'S POSSESSION GIRL [4:35 P.M.]: hmm
NO ONE'S POSSESSION GIRL [4:35 P.M.]: this date should be fun tomorrow
NO ONE'S POSSESSION GIRL [4:35 P.M.]: he already reserved a hotel room
Me [4:36 P.M.]: be careful
Me [4:36 P.M.]: the last girl I knew who was as "out there" as you got date raped
Me [4:36 P.M.]: of course, I got date raped by Rope Nurse Girl
NO ONE'S POSSESSION GIRL [4:37 P.M.]: I already have too much info on him... where he works, work number, etc... he's safe. Besides.. I already know we are going to fuck... so how can I be raped? Or, perhaps, maybe I want to be raped....
NO ONE'S POSSESSION GIRL [4:38 P.M.]: have to run
NO ONE'S POSSESSION GIRL is away at 4:41 P.M.
Like I said, intelligence and beauty rarely come in the same package. And if they do, be careful, you may get a raving intellect with no character. Or if you're really unlucky, you might find yourself sitting next to a woman who is evil, who sold her soul to the evil one.
As we'll soon see in Girl 59.
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