GIRL 68
BABY GOT BACK GIRL
It was getting ridiculously easy to predict the future. By this time I could see into the female soul as if all the layers of lies were transparent.
I could almost move my lips to her tales of how she loved vibrators and had a collection of sex toys that would humiliate the average triple-X bookstore. When she talked about how she begged her husband to bring other men to her bed, I listened carefully to her tone.
This one was going to be big. Maybe too big to squeeze into a first class airline seat.
I met her at a diner for Saturday brunch. Why is it every single diner date has crashed? Over eggs I saw her walking up. I was speechless as she arrived at the table like an aircraft carrier at a pier.
She took up half the bench of the booth and I laughed and chatted with her as she shoveled eggs into her maw.
Have a good trip, I told her, as she was flying out of Newark Airport that afternoon to a Caribbean destination.
I hoped the ticket agent sat her right in the middle of the plane. If she were too far fore or aft, that plane would have a lot of problems.
I left a heavy tip and smiled sweetly at the cute waitress.
There's karma here, I thought. Twenty dollar tips to waitresses for ten dollar diner tabs. Being sweet to hefty women who are not interesting sexually. Even agreeing to show up for the date in the first place, suspecting that she looked like the back of a bus. Sometimes I stop for yellow lights when I can easily blast through them long before they turn red, and I say, this is for the times when I won't have time to stop. Karma. Or perhaps virgin sacrifices to the gods, and a salute to fate in the hopes that it would send me not just a girl, but The Girl.
I whistled on my way to the truck and contemplated my Saturday night that evening, which I would spend alone and sad about it. But sometimes, the best thing to do on a prime time date night in which you do not have a date is to take a shower, spray on Contradiction, put on cool clothes, and walk the earth. And if that doesn't lighten the load, take a bubble bath. And if that doesn't do it, log on to the internetdating site to search for sluts.
Which is what I did when the next girl radioed in.
Thank you, Karma. Because the next one was worth the wait.
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