GIRL 35
DYKEY ANNOYING GIRL
Summer had finally yielded to fall. Thank God, I'd spent the summer
grieving over Alayna, Girl 6, the woman I considered the love of my
life, the woman I thought I would love forever. I kept hoping someone
would knock her off the charts.
It wouldn't be Dykey Annoying Girl. By now, I was well aware of how I
attracted lesbians. Dykey Annoying Girl was a system test of that
theory. See Girl 28, Bait & Switch Girl, for how I arrived at this
miserable suspicion.
Dykey Annoying Girl winked at me with an unrevealing profile with no
picture. Another loser, I thought, thinking of Girl 33, Obese Desperate
Girl. She refused to send me a photo, so I refused to agree to meet
her. It pissed her off. Women can be so arrogant about their power over
men. They truly believe that they should be able to simply bend over
and get a date. Dinner and drinks paid for. Then they decide if they
like the boy. When Dykey refused to send me a photo, I told her she
must be ugly. She became furious. Finally, I sent her a questionnaire.
If a picture is worth a thousand words, and she is reluctant to send a
picture, then she'd better be willing to type a thousand words. This is
what I sent.
PHYSICAL "PARAMETERS"
1. Height
2. Weight
3. Bust size, inches
4. Waist
5. Hips
6. Inseam
7. Hair color
8. Hair texture (wavy, pubic, straight)
9. Hair length
10. Facial shape
11. Facial bone structure
12. Eye size
13. Eye color
14. Lip thickness (African American, fishlip thick, normal, thin)
15. Teeth (movie star, okay, yellow, some missing)
16. Hands (elegant, feminine, bony, claws)
17. Fingernails (bitten, normal, long)
18. Fingernail color (neglected, red, pink, French)
19. Legs (worthy of miniskirts, stuff 'em into jeans, haven't seen 'em in years)
20. Bikini area (waxed, shaved, overgrown, neglected)
21. Bikini area II (pretty, porn star, had 17 kids)
22. Vagina (tight/no kids, tight/C-section kids, okay/1 kid, roll down the car window)
23. Anus (virgin/ouch,experienced/finger-me, experienced/go-slow, very experienced/pork-away-pal!, virgin/no-way)
24. Clitoris (large, small, can't find it)
Her reply was, very funny.
So then I refused to go out with her until she answered. Finally she
broke down and sent me a picture. Chubby face. Thick body. Ultra-short
hair. No makeup.
Lesbian.
To test my theory, I showed up for the date. My only questions were, how long had it been since she had shaved her legs?
I brought the drinks down to the fireplace pit of the cozy bar. I
handed her the cosmo she wanted and downed half my scotch in one pull.
After all, it was destined to be a short date. I glanced at my watch.
Time in.
In minute four, Dykey Annoying Girl began to talk about her female
boss, who wanted to have sex with her. Do you want to be made love to
by a woman, I asked. She hesitated. It might be worth trying, she
admitted. Do you like penises, I asked. Of course, she said, I'm
heterosexual. Right, I thought. Do you like when a guy cums in your
mouth?
Ah hah! Lesbian.
Without a word, I drained my drink, stood and walked to the parking lot. It had only been eleven minutes, but those eleven minutes had been a waste.
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